Happy Freakin' Birthday Robin: I,
by D-I-WaRrIa
Summary: [Complete until further notice] Birthday presents are supposed to be nice. It's always the thought that counts right? Rated and warned for language and bashing... For alenachan and all authors who have been abused. Please read and review...


_**Konnichiwa…**_

Television sets from all around the world switched on for the well-spoken about broadcast. It was the infamous Boy Wonder's Birthday and someone very dear and exclusive to him was going to be doing a presented dedication to him. Everybody wanted to see who the closest person to the leader of the Teen Titans was… even the Teen Titans themselves… because it definitely wasn't any of them. Most people on the street thought that it was going to be either Batman or Starfire… but of course, the rumours had said that this person hadn't even made it in the protection system. Could it be that the Boy Wonder had a woman on the side? Well, the world would just have to find out.

Many more rumours had passed about this special broadcast. It was at a secret location and only three people were operating it. The presenter/writer, the producer/director and the cameraman/everything else. The show was coinciding with the endless debate on flamers in an attempt to end the wars. Also, the show was going to be broadcasted live! So… anything could go wrong.

_In three… two… one…_

An Afro-American teenager jumped down from somewhere into a studio with an ever-changing background with the famed Teen Titans theme tuned playing at her entrance. Her onyx, blue highlighted hair had that untamed look but still held an innocence as it draped around her slender body. She was clad in low-riding black jeans with brilliant white trainers. Her top was a simple midnight blue corset with net-like butterfly sleeves. Flipping her hair from her face, she revealed her solid, shiny onyx eyes and gentle features with a dark complexion. She slowly walked up to the microphone, making sure that her footsteps could be heard. Grasping the microphone in her soft, brown hands she whispered…

"Welcome everyone around the world to this special broadcast to a very extraordinary hero that we all look up to… None other than the Boy Wonder himself… Robin!" A picture of Robin in his famous battle stance formed on the background. A faint cheering could be heard from all the monitors around the world.

"Warnings and disclaimers… before I start the good stuff. **Please make sure that all children who are not allowed to be exposed to language above their IQ are now away from the T.V sets as this may prove distressing on parents who would have to explain every word I say. Also, I do not own Robin or the Teen Titans or any of you. It would be thankful that at the end of this transmission that if you have an interactive menu or on the internet viewing this transmission, please click the little purple button next to 'submit review' so that I can show my father and friends that performing this to entertain you… and myself is not a waste of time, it is quite the opposite. By the way, just so that you know… We can hear you… This transmission allows us to hear what you are saying to you T.V or computer… This allows us to be completely interactive… If you do not review… Well… We'll just be hurt! **Now, that was the only part of the show that was rehearsed!"

The teenager reached out her hand for a glass of water. She gulped it down in a spilt second and threw the glass, but there was no sound of it shattering.

"Also please… **Do not try this at home children, **if you're watching**… Throwing glasses of any kind is very naughty! **Anyway! We are here to wish our favourite Boy Wonder… Happy Birthday! But first! I would like to call him something very dear to my heart… He will understand instantly, but I guess that I will have to explain it to all of you viewers out there." She exclaimed pointing at the camera. The cameraman winked at her. She sighed as she looked heavenwards. Then down to the ground while putting her hand over her heart… Taking in a deep breathed she uttered…

"Sadly… Robin is a complete and utter **_Dick_**!" She smiled as she cupped her hands to her ear in an attempt to hear all the gasps around the world. She jumped up and down with glee as she heard bursts of laughter as well.

"Now, this is the reason why I told all you parents out there to keep your kids **away **from the television. Anyways… Most of you, who are not laughing are probably wondering why I have called our favourite Boy Wonder a… **_Dick_**." The girl let a fake sigh as she took a meditation position on the floor. The scenery behind her changed to images of Robin and his team about to attack Cinderblock at a prison where Plasmus was being held.

"Heh let me run this quote for you…" The girl giggled as she nodded her head.

The cameraman zoomed onto the motion picture behind her, where Robin was leading the battle charge. _"No matter how you do the math, it all adds up to you going down. So, are you going to go quietly?" _The picture froze and blacked out before it moved onto Cyborg. The teenager held up her arms in a shrug position while a hate smile plastered her face.

"Okay, Come on! Have any of you realised how cheesy his one liners are in battle? And, it's not even just the once. It's all the **freakin' **time! I mean, have you realised how **corny **they are? How retarded do you have to be to say those lines over and over again? You're giving all honest **dicks **a really bad name! So… I'm not gonna play anymore cos… ya, that would be stupid." She spins around, letting her onyx hair spill and float around her. A smile still predominant on her features, she grabbed a remote, seemingly from nowhere and pushes the red button. Waiting for the screen behind her to load, she starts to tap the remote on her chin.

"Hmmm… I bet you're all wondering what Robin wanted to become when he was little… And I mean, between the ages of ten to thirteen, before he left Gotham and became **Leader **Robin… not before **Sidekick **Robin. You know, I think Robin would have been better off if he stayed with his quest to be solo. He was so bitter after that argument with the Ol' Bats and his voice was deep and it struck fear into the hearts of villains. But now that he's formed a group, villains strike fear into his heart. Anyways!" A black and red electric guitar dropped from the ceiling into the girl's hands. She performed the solo from _Evanescence's Farther Away _and took a bow as she could hear the applauses from the television sets around the world. She smiled as the image loaded with Robin, wearing sunglasses and regular clothes, not his trademark traffic colour uniform. In his hands and strapped to his body was the very guitar that the presenter now had in her hands. He was strumming along to various rock and metal artists without a care in the world… And he was good at it! The clip froze as Robin jumped.

"Hopefully you've all guess by now that Robin wanted to be a rock star! He probably would have made it to the top if he had any talent in the music industry… Which he does… He just chose **not **to entertain but to protect." She strummed the electric guitar again as it disappeared against her body.

"Well, that was useless trivia that you'll probably never use again… Let's see… That doesn't really cover why I'm calling Robin a **_Dick _**on his birthday does it? Another reason…" She impatiently snaps her fingers while she looks as if she's in deep thought. Her head pings up with an idea, but is quickly taken over with a frown.

"Can someone tell me what's up with the traffic light suit? I know his favourite colour is ironically red but WHY! He's a freakin' superhero who doesn't respond to orders! Not some clown-y-fied traffic warden that gives you a ticket every bloody second! And it's **spandex! **Lord have mercy! Come on people, I really want your views on this one! How does Robin never **cease** to **amaze** you? Now I don't want every single blonde in the world to ring up and say that _'Oh, I think Robin is a sexy heartthrob I he never ceases to amaze me in how flexible he can get!' _Not only is it terrifying that you want a superhero to do you when most of you are under the age limit… even though it would be interesting to see the** Big Brave Boy Blunder Behind Bars! **Now that would be a headline! Ironic also that he got five B's at GCSE! Another useless trivia…"

The Afro-American girl sighed but started to move her body to the upbeat techno music that came on. Claps around the world cheered her on as she started to bust some serious moves. Smiling, she blew kisses towards the camera and shook her hair.

"People of the world! This is probably the part where you really need to get the children out of the room when I give you the message… That message isn't now. But, I would like to say that you shouldn't let your boys try to be Robin… Remember, he's a one-in-a-million… all around… well rounded… highly exalted…

…

…

…**_Dick!_** Also, he is the biggest hypocrite known to man. First he says to his team mates that you shouldn't keep secrets and that if they're familiar with each others secrets, they will… what was the word he used? Oh yes… they would jell and mellow together like Jell-O… What the hell is Jell-O anyways? But then again… they don't listen to him… the only person who probably does is Starfire… Is there a secret that's he hasn't told Robin?"

The girl paced up and down… A sinister smile crept across her features.

"Thinking about that… There are about ten secrets that Starfire has kept from him. But Robin, please do not be too hard on her… Your other team mates are hiding many more secrets than that… and so are **_you_**! See… hypocrite! Just because he is leader, doesn't mean you have to tell him everything. The least he should be doing is setting you a good example… especially to all the little boys of the world who are just dying to be in his place."

In the ever-changing background behind morphed into a photo of Robin and Starfire sitting in a very comfortable position. The girl grinned yet again.

"While we're on the topic of Starfire… How many of you girls envy her?" Shouts came from around the world. The girl laughed. "I get the picture. You all envy her for having the most time with Robin yes? Well, guess what! She wasn't the first girl with **vibrant auburn-ruby **hair, **emerald green **eyes and **long, tanned **legs to get our dear Robin's attention! I can here you all gasping. Truth is… any girl with those **specific features **could gain Robin's eye and get **laid** by him… Hell, he'd go with a **criminal** if she had those features! It's true! He **did **get it together with a criminal once. **Poison Ivy **to be exact. And another Gotham babe he got together with, which was more successful was Commissioner Gordon's niece, **Barbara Gordon**!"

"**Damn** you all sound so shocked! I mean… surprisingly-shell-shocked!" Unexpectedly, a massive shell dropped down from the ceiling crushing the girl… well it would have if a trap door didn't open and she didn't fall through. Viewers had the look of sheer terror one their faces. They soon took the look of confusion as the girl broke out laughing, rolling around on the floor.

"The look on your faces! How gullible are you? Anyways… this is where we get to the more **mature **part of this broadcast! **Please make sure that all children under the age of thirteen stroke fourteen are very far away from the television screen with this broadcast on. This is the message I was warning you about so please, do you kids a favour because I do not want to be sued for your… hindrance.**"

The teenager paced patiently spacing back and forth while kicking and punching air. A muffled voice could be heard in the background. The girl nodded in response to the voice and placed her hands on the microphone. "It has no been confirmed that all children have been taken away… but many more are still watching. Can't you people look after your kids! Why do you put a laptop broadcasting this show in a pre-teens room for kicking ass's sakes!" The girl sighed while massaging her temple.

"Oh well. Since we were on the topic of Robin's love life… I will continue since this is one of the main reasons why he is such a **_Dick! _**I mean… how many people want Robin to go with Starfire? It's like the most obvious thing on this planet because of the whole **fairytale innocent oblivious romance factor**… The next most obvious pairing is Robin and Raven because of the whole **forbidden love dark intentions factor**… I really have **no **idea why on there has to be so many fucking wars about which freakin' pairing should rule! **Please excuse my French as I continue…**"

"I mean what is the bloody point! If a person wants to support Robin and Starfire… **let them**! Don't let some stupid ass person flame their story and make them not want to ever write again because their a fanatic of Robin and Raven. We'll loose all the best authors that way… **Vice versa**… If an author wants to write Robin and Raven stories… don't bloody flame them because you support Robin and Starfire! We should respect every pairing that has been created in this universe. If you don't like a pairing, don't read the story! **That was the message from many authors on in the Teen Titans section. Please take the advice so that we can live and write in a peaceful place on the World Wide Web. **We're not spiders you know! So don't eat each other for breakfast! Lunch or dinner!"

The girl blew a piece of onyx hair out of her brown complexion face. She took a place leaning against the screen with Robin standing in his victory pose.

"But more on this subject – I won't go onto how many OC characters he's been paired up with. **Is Robin some kind of famous gigolo in every author's eyes on fan fiction?** I mean, he's hit it off with every single girl that we know he's encountered or met face to face. See, more and more people are starting to write Robin and Terra cos of the whole **understanding between Slade's apprentices' factor **or Robin and Bumble Bee cos of the whole **stressful leaders needing comfort **or Robin and Jinx cos of the whole **free-spirit meets repressed soul…**" The girl sighed yet again… "Yep, he's a freakin' gigolo!"

Another devious smile crept across her face as pictures of Robin kissing each and every one of the girls he had met behind her.

"You know… There not the only sex he likes to kiss as well as other things. Yes people. He **does **bend **that **way! Let's see, Robin and Beast boy, Robin and Cyborg, Robin and Speedy, Robin and Aqualad even Robin and Slade and **they're meant **to be **enemies! **There's also the worrying one with Robin and Red X? Didn't Robin make Red X to trap Slade? And if he's in love with himself (the self-conceited jackass) and wanted Slade as well… Was he expecting some **freakin' illicit, explicit threesome **just to up his passion rate for kicks! I mean what the hell! Is he some kind of **_fucking bisexual gigolo! _**What a way to bend Boy Blunder! What a way to bend."

An eruption of laughter burst out around the world as the girl laughed whole-heartedly on set. A cheerful, real smile took hold of her features as she heard the sound. She seriously felt like busting a gut. She yelled out loud as she formed two differently symbols with her hands. With her left, she 'brapped', she hand forming the shape of a gun. With her right, she formed the rock on sign and held them both high above her head.

"You as an audience **ROCK! **I really mean this guys. Without you, I wouldn't have this much inspiration to hate Robin so much! Wahoo! Isn't such fun to bash people and make them feel really bad? Of course it is, but **children, you really should not do this at home! **But, you want to know another reason why I say Robin is a complete and utter **_Dick!_**"

A chorus of 'yeahs' burst through the studio from the television sets around the world and laptops. The girl jumped up and down wildly.

"Well, I'll give you a riddle to figure out. It's the key to his secret… well, not so secret identity. If you do figure it out, please do not tell anyone else who is less able."

"Riddle: A rich guy looks up at a grey sun… I'm actually quite proud of that. If you can't figure that out then you either do not have the IQ, you're too young to understand or you simply **hate **riddles!"

While the people at home, including the Titans sans Robin were trying to figure out what his alias was, the Afro-American girl set up a stage. She threw the red and black electric guitar to the cameraman who gave the camera to someone else. A random buff guy sat down at the black drum kit and twirled his drum sticks. The girl caught her black and blue electric guitar that dropped from the ceiling and skimmed the strings. Grabbing hold of the microphone she called out.

"To all the people out there watching this right now, including the Titans. You **ROCK MY SOCKS! **I have another little birthday present before I end this show with closing messages. I'm gonna perform this song. Tell me if it **doesn't **remind you of Robin. Words have been adjusted slightly. I **don't **own Evanescence but there freakin' awesome! Three… Two… One… **Hit it!**" The band started to play after the drummer counted them in. The girl played her guitar while singing the words…

"_Perfect by nature. Icons of self indulgence. Just what we all need. More lies about a world that…_

_Never was and never will be. Have you no shame. Don't you see me? You know you've got everybody fooled. _

_Look here he comes now. Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh, how we love you. No flaws when you're pretending. But now I know he…_

_Never was and never will be. You don't know how you've betrayed me. And somehow you've got everybody fooled. _

_Without the mask. Where will you hide? Can't find yourself. Lost in your LIES!_

_I know the truth now. I know who you are. And I don't love you anymore…It_

_Never was and never will be. You don't know how you've betrayed me. And somehow now you've got everybody…_

_It never was and never will be. You're not real and you can't save me. And somehow now **you're **everybody's fool!_

The song ended with the closing credits rolling past above them.

"This song is dedicated to the notorious Boy Wonder out there. I came out here to say many things. But there is one thing that I would like to say most of all after these closing notes."

"**I dearly hope that you have enjoyed the show! You all ROCK! Anyways, like I have pointed out before. Please, please, please submit your views to the show by either using your interactive link on the TV, push the red button people or if you are on a laptop, please press the little purple button at the bottom of the screen saying 'submit review'. If you are wondering if this was an attempt to stop flame wars on by bashing the most loved character then yes, it was. I will make more shows bashing the person of your choice if you people want. Please don't flame!**"

The girl drew in a deep breath as she cleared her thoughts by closing her onyx eyes. Opening her eyes, she spoke softly into the microphone.

"I'm going to finish this broadcast with my last eight words…"

"…**Happy Birthday to my big Brother!**"

…

…

"**I'm Larissa…**"

The picture blanked out on all of the monitors around the world. Leaving them in the dark as well as the light, with a certain Boy Blunder having his jaw dropping, along with his fellow team mates. _That's Robin's sister?_

* * *

Heh… Do what Larissa says…

Keep it real…

D-I-WaRrIa


End file.
